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WHEN SOMEONE YOU KNOW LOSES A LOVED ONE

Often people stay away from a bereaved friend, not wanting to intrude. In fact, practical help is usually very welcome at such times; so are a shoulder to cry on or someone to share memories with. Many people comment that they “found out who their real friends were” after a bereavement. With more and more people living a long way from the rest of their families, friends nearby are a godsend.

In the run-up to the funeral there’s always a lot to think about: bank accounts to be closed, lawyers to talk to about the Will (or lack of one), the funeral service to be sorted out and family and friends informed of the death and the funeral arrangements. After the funeral, when all that stops and the family have gone back to the other end of the country, can be a very bleak time, and having a friend to help is a great comfort.

Questions & Answer

HOW CAN I HELP?

Just being around is helpful, sharing a cuppa and a chat or just silence, but many bereaved people find they feel constantly weary and the offer of practical help with household chores, shopping, sorting out the dead person’s clothes and taking them to the charity shop, or even walking the dog is often welcome. Don’t just take over, though, or you may be resented instead of welcomed.

Questions & Answers make it clear that it’s OK for the bereaved to cry in front of you, especially if they’re having to appear strong for other people (their children, for example). It’s important you listen properly when your friend talks and take part in the conversation. Some of the conversations may be painful, especially if you’re also grieving. They can be repetitive, too – small details can become very important. But that’s how people work through their grief and come to accept what’s happened, so it’s important to go with the flow.

At a crematorium it is more normal for mourners to wait outside and follow the coffin and family members into the building. Whether the ceremony is held in a church or a crematorium, the seats at the front will normally be reserved for the chief mourners. Fill in the seats behind them, rather than sitting at the back: it makes the family and friends feel more supported, and any singing will be more confident and cheering.

You can never know exactly how another person feels, so don’t pretend or assume that you do. It will change from day to day, anyway. One day your friend may want a hug, another time they may turn away. Just be patient with them. It’s all part of the process, and the time-frame varies from person to person.

Grief becomes easier to bear, but there are still times when it will rear its ugly head again. Christmas, birthdays and wedding anniversaries are particularly hard, so it’s important to be around for them if you can.

As time passes, make sure your friend starts having a social life, too. It’s very easy to get used to loneliness but it’s not a healthy long-term condition, so invite them for a meal or offer to babysit while they have an evening out.